Sensual Sadist

I added the “GET ON UR KNEES” in ice-queen cyan for that subtle contrast. I know, I’m wearing red and black, the power colours (along with purple, my favourite colour, though I wasn’t wearing that in the picture, I was thinking it). That’s kinda a lucky escape.

Apart from visual effect, here are some reasons why I’m a SNARF and can’t have “Approved Certified FemDom Mistress Owner Deluxe” tattooed on my butt (apart from the fact that it would hurt and I’m really not into pain).

1) First and most importantly, I’m a transsexual. I don’t have the right chromosomes. Actually I’m a worm in disguise, apparently. So many people get into “FemDom” because of some apparent personal belief about female supremacy that it’s downright scary. And most female supremacists seem to be trans-negative in attitude. Just ask the Mistress Herself (she who need not be named).

2) I’m not financially independent. I’m not a CEO of an important company. I can’t see a way to work right now that doesn’t involve breaking up with Richard, because of the traveling. Actually I’ve done very little work in my life. I’m a recording artist slash composer, unsigned, though I’ve had attention from some decent labels that didn’t go anywhere, sadly.

Don’t think I’ve had it easy, though. Much of my time has been spent coming to terms with a totally fucked up upbringing and adolescence which left me emotionally crippled in some important ways and with mild social phobia. It took a huge slice of my life and slowed me down. But don’t worry. I had a breakdown in 2004, and afterwards things slowly got better. And I’ve always had my head screwed on. People tell me I know myself and seem very grounded. I’m a different person from my former insecure self, these days.

3) I’m often soft spoken, don’t like upsetting people (apart from sex partners in the right context and assholes who clearly deserve it - it’s weird to clump them both together but it’s just one of those multilevel things). I don’t exactly project ‘dominance’ - though I feel I’ve developed an air of serenity and certainty/confidence recently. Plus, I just feel sexier due to the hormones and practicing D/s.

4) I attracted abusive people, while I was a vulnerable teen. They all put the boot in, including people who were supposed to be close. So after a while I started to act like I owed everyone an explanation, like I was always in the wrong. I’d even go as far as to say I was ‘trained’ to be submissive. Don’t they say some good dominants start out on the bottom?

But imagine my pain - I’ve had dominant (and sadistic) tendencies since I was a child, complete with the whole ‘being in charge with friends’ thing as a kid, and the constantly thinking about hurting and torturing people. So I kinda felt like a lioness without any teeth (corny example, sorry!) until I decided to work on my ‘dominant side’. This is just one of the gifts that submissive men in general (and more specifically, Richard), have given me. The chance to find myself without people constantly trying to mess with me and fuck it up.

5) Speaking of Richard, I’m in a monogamous relationship with him. For a while I was a ‘free agent’, I spoke to different submissives online, on the phone, met a couple (one of them more than once) and then Richard happened. He wouldn’t be able to handle me seeing other guys in an erotic context and since I love him I wouldn’t be able to do that to him. That, I suppose, means we are equal in terms of ‘power’ in the relationship, even if he is my pet and part-time slave. Not only that, but he has influenced me just as much, if not more in some ways, than I have influenced him. I’m majorly losing Princess Points on this one!

6) I’m ‘cute’, and I value my cuteness. I’m kinda goofy. I like to goof about, make silly noises, dance and pull funny faces. The other day I asked pet if that made me harder to submit to. We both laughed a lot, but there was no answer. (Don’t worry, I know what the answer really is!)

7) I love attention and approval. I just eat it up in reams. I like people to pile on the compliments - the more the better. I used to think people didn’t like me if they didn’t virtually worship the ground I walk on. I’m getting better at not doing that now, though.

8) I’m kind-of a nerd. You know, I’ve spent so much time at the computer that when I type you just see a blur where my hands should be. Plus I like nerdy things like IDM and cellular automata and fractal art. Not to mention synth programming and audio editing. I get hot just thinking about these things.

9) My hair never cooperates. It’s downright annoying. Plus, I’m not very photogenic. I always look /worse/ in my photos than I do in real life.

10) I’m not terribly organized. I’m not really good at organizing things. I’m smart, clever, intuitive and that kind of thing, though, which kinda makes up for it. I suspect I may have organizational dyslexia ever-so-slightly, and I was classified as hyperactive as a child - this makes it hard to concentrate on things that don’t interest me.

But, you see, despite all these things - despite having some major chinks in my armour, being a victim for a large part of my life, not really being very predatory and what-have-you… I still don’t hesitate to think of myself as dominant - and I certainly don’t care what people think anymore, I’ve stopped trying to justify it (insecurity) or slide out of it (denial).

Everything’s become re-framed in a positive light as it should have been from the start. I see myself as strong for having survived things that my friends say are unsurvivable when I explain just a small part of it. I’ve stopped feeling sorry for myself and just see things as they are, cause and effect, and here I am.

Now I’m wondering about holes or ambiguities in my words. I don’t want to give the wrong impression… But I can’t be bothered to think all that through. Pick a hole if you like, and I will explain it away, because I know now that things are as they should be and all is right in the world.