Sensual Sadist

Many of you must think I’m crazy. I have a perfectly wonderful relationship with Richard, he does his best to please me and here I am wanting more. In a way I hate myself for doing this, but I’d also hate myself for allowing myself to suffer in silence. It really is a bind being wired this way. (Heh, funny choice of words there..)

Richard’s response towards me is to encourage me to search for what I need. Unlike so many lovers who are covertly controlling their partners so that they can keep them to themselves, he’s putting my happiness as a person above our relationship. That has made my love for him feel very strong and makes me feel so very lucky.

Sometimes I wonder if I really deserve him. Truth be told I got into BDSM (starting to hate that term but, there it is) so that I could be utterly selfish without any remorse as well as to exercise (should that be exorcise?) my sadism.

In the very beginning I don’t remember what caused it, but pet asked me “Am I just a slave to you?”. Now hang on a minute, yes obviously I found that very arousing but it also pointed something out to me. We had fallen in love like any vanilla couple might, and I think I was using my status (as a dominant) to be lazy with him and our relationship at times.

So I endeavoured to be a better friend to him. Showing affection is child’s play for me, since I’m so sexually confident, but actually loving someone is something I’ve learned to do with Richard over a period of time. In a way that’s much more important than D/s… At any rate it’s an invaluable gift.

I think I succeeded in being a good friend and have been a positive influence in his life if his words are to be taken as true (which they are). I don’t feel guilt but I do perhaps fear using him a little.

So anyway, the hungers are out in the open now, though I’m still a bit befuddled. I want someone who is just a slave. Obviously I’m not going to be completely and utterly selfish with them, since they’d never return, and I do actually like the submissive to enjoy it on some level, preferably enjoying it and hating it at the same time.

I’ve described what I want as more “vulgar” and “base”. I know base is not quite the word since it implies immorality (I don’t think what I want is ‘wrong’) but what I am thinking about is certainly simpler, coarser, more straightforward and based on spur-of-the-moment emotions.

I want to make this distinction because this is so different from the romantic D/s that I share with pet. And I don’t value one type of domination more than the other. Both are very wonderful in my books and my relationship with Richard comes with all the encouragement and support he has to give. In my mind a session with a ‘just a slave’ person and a session with pet are completely different. My original needs were the former, but my relationship with pet has shown me how wonderful romantic D/s can be.

Now here’s the bit where I have to watch out for flying eggs and rotten vegetables… Ideally I was hoping he would like the submissive aspect of having a domme who does what she wants selfishly. I’m sorry if this offends anyone’s sense of justice, but it’s just honest. I won’t force anyone to do this for me, so it’s all gravy.

It’s clear that pet doesn’t see it that way and I respect that. I wouldn’t expect this of anybody. Maybe I’m even asking too much. Maybe I’ll get tired of searching for this in the future and give up. Who can be certain of anything?

My next best hopes for pet were that he would explore his dominant side with a third party. I would enjoy hearing about his sadistic side (I’m not normally interested in what male doms do in the ‘bedroom’, but you make exceptions for someone you love and admire), and (more selfishly) I liked the idea of bringing in a 3rd party and us being a dominant couple. But Richard has explained that he’s not really interested in exploring dominance.

So I must accept that now he wants his freedom, too. In a way I feel like I’ve asked for too much and lost him. I still of course love him and feel like his owner, but that could be damaged for either of us and it’s a sobering thought.

For me it’s not the happiness that I want to deny him - it’s the feeling of him being my territory, my property and plaything. If I can block out the possessiveness within me all that will remain is pleasure that my love is finding happiness.

Really, this is all very heavy. I’ve trained my brain not to torture me over stuff like this, so I don’t really dwell on it much, but obviously things are going on in the back of my head all the time.

I am hopeful for a good ending to this story. But you know how so many real life stories go…

Thanks for listening.