Desire to be Dominant, Fluctuations Thereof
• Headspaces
As Richard has pointed out, he often wishes I became dominant more often, and the thing is, I do too at times. Generally I have found it more difficult to be in a dominant mood if I don’t feel a sense of control in my life. Well, recently things that I can’t do much about are taking away some of that sense of control and just about anybody in my position would probably feel the same way - there’s nothing I can do to alter these things apart from learn to think more positively and simply try to forget that life is a complicated, miserable ball of crap.
On top of that, my sleeping has been suffering recently, since Richard’s sleeping habits have changed and I am a light sleeper. He now makes motions in bed which mean I don’t get to sleep often until he gets up at 5:00 or so. I generally like to get up at around 8:30 - 9:30 and tend to feel lazy or less active if I’m not awake by 11 or so. The lack of being able to control this basic and mood-affecting aspect of my life is probably worse than the other uncertanties combined and seems to dull my sexual dominance.
I am seriously considering a secondary ‘emergency’ sleeping arrangement to try and remedy this, since it is not just my kink life that is being affected.
Comments
I totally know what you mean about not feeling very dominant when other things in my life are out of control. I detest that feeling. Sometimes I request that he simply take care of my basic needs at that time, and find ways to keep himself busy and quiet and out of my way during these times. I have him journal. Sometimes I have him play guitar for me to relax me. But I keep our protocols in place, which also helps. I also make it an ongoing thing that he makes sure the environment is pleasant: that the place is clean, incense is burning, candles are burning, and soft music is playing. He knows I like the door open when weather permits, also. So, if he has routine tasks that he takes care of that make my environment more pleasing, it helps both of us relax, and I feel less out of control. I hope some of these suggestions help. As for the sleeping thing, maybe you could make a pallet at the foot of the bed for him, and to make it a bit more interesting, maybe you could cuff him to the bed. (: Right now I cannot sleep with my boy, because he has sleep apnea, and snores like a BEAR. But he’s gone to the sleep clinic, and will be getting a CPAP machine soon, so that should help. Anyhow, good luck to both of you! C
Posted by: TrainerC | August 9, 2005 11:34 AM
Our relationship is spent 99% outside of BDSM.
Posted by: Richard | August 9, 2005 12:56 PM
I thought Alexandra would comment on my comment.
She feels that what I do for her outside D/s strongly parallels certain aspects of F/m D/s.
I’m hoping she’ll write an entry to explore and explain this.
Posted by: Richard | August 11, 2005 1:56 PM
Loss of control/power over what’s going on in life generally can affect the amount of D/s time, due to lack of focus/time to spend actively/planning such activities. Lack of sleep that often goes hand-in-hand with these kind of life stresses are happening only exacerbates things. When My husband is a problem/sleeper, he gets to sleep on a thin matress on the floor alongside My side of the bed, and if he wakes Me with his snoring when he’s in bed with Me, he soon gets the message to stop. I have also found other techniques which help us get to sleep better if restless: in My case, to hold his testicles gently (it also dissaudes him from moving around too much ;) - in his case, to leash him to Myself from his collar to My hand… hoping My sharing may help someOone somehow…
Posted by: Myne | August 24, 2005 5:16 AM
Good ideas Myne! I was going to try making him sleep on the floor, since he said it might be better for him anyway, but unfortunately since we got the bedding neccecary to do this, I haven’t been in a very dominant mood. Richard has been sleeping on a futon in the living room when he gets restless.
Thanks to you and TrainerC for the words or reassurement. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one who feels these things. I just wish my life were more secure so I could feel a sense of control (the dominant sense) more often in my life.
Posted by: Alexandra | August 27, 2005 10:40 PM