Enjoying Passivity
• Headspaces
Many evenings we have spent, sometimes after smoking or drinking a little something, doing nothing particularly kinky (unless you’re coming from a real conservative angle), but just enjoying eachother’s physical presence in fairly straightforward ways.
Often we are both equally active, but Richard often ends up massaging my entire body in what seems like a methodical way, until I become so limp and relaxed that a hypnotic sleep-like state is enduced. In the past, even though he seems to initiate this and encourage my passivity, I have found it hard to relax and hand control over to someone else on some level, even though I enjoy it. There’s some part of my brain which will think “I should do something” or “I want to do something” or something like that.
In the past these evenings ended with Richard becoming exhausted, but when we did it a couple of nights ago not only did I accept that it would be OK to just do nothing (well, I do respond but in a passive kind of way, and sometimes move in a way that compliments the massage), but we also ended up with me completely relaxed before he got exhausted, which was a nice change and suggests I perhaps have better posture or am more relaxed in other ways.
I had never really worked out this part of myself until that night. Though I’ve always enjoyed it, there was some part of me that couldn’t relax, or thought it was bad to let someone else do the work, or perhaps it is my control freak component camped out in an unexpected place in my psyche.
Either way it is to be nice to not only be back in his arms but also to just be more relaxed. Hopefully soon we will have some kinky news to report, though mostly we have both not been physically up to it (recently Richard got food poisoning). I need to get some practice in with the various hitty things which should be fun :)