Sensual Sadist

Things are often not as easy as they seem. Richard has recently explained the weight of his own fantasies to me. In a nutshell, it may turn out that we have a future problem with our mismatched desires.

Richard is an excellent submissive and feels the same way about my skills as a Dominant, but this isn’t really an issue of qualative scale. We have a lot of shared ground, but many times in the past we both wondered why we didn’t do more play together.

Some of it was down to external stresses to both of us, but other things bogged us down. There are a few different fuels you can put in my dominant side. The first is simply masochistic enthusiasm and worship, which Richard has plenty of.

The others include begging (either begging to be released, begging for mercy or even begging to be punished) - which can be nagging if continued after I’ve said I’m not in the mood, but otherwise just fuels the sadistic fire. Richard says he wants deeply to learn how to beg, but is coming up against blocks. He’s tougher than an old boot which means ‘breaking’ him and getting him to beg (which to me is often the peak of the psychological orgasm) seems impossible at times.

Faux begging is not an option as we’ll both see right through it. But is the Dominant getting tired from all that work and perhaps not having enough of a reward? Being tougher and tougher is fun and rewarding in it’s-self but what people may not realize at first is that tougher play on a submissive is like playing a more extreme or complicated piece on an instrument - It takes much more skill. This is because the more aggressive you are, the more safety and technical considerations there are. Given that we are both very safety conscious and also quite new still, it can be a two-way stretch at times.

Then there is my love of objectification. The last time I tried it and we talked about it, Richard said he couldn’t understand what was so great about being a footstool when we got out of role. He did enjoy the scene because of other reasons but really, it was a small setback. Knock seven shades of poop out of him you say, but what would that achieve? Most likely me out of breath! Richard says he wants to explore objectification and human furniture with me again, but we’ll need to discuss it some more.

I may need to devise a way of conditioning him to find it sexually arousing. I told him to picture himself as an object to rest my feet on, that he should be proud to be able to support my feet. Whilst these things sound goofy out of context (they do to me anyway, but I have a capable sense of humour), the thing is, I meant them. When sometimes he seems like a disinterested schoolboy it’s not clear what the correct course of action is. Physical punishemt with him has either been met with extatic grins or a total feeling of shame from letting me down. I need a way to create an inbetween.

My biggest fear is that percieved pressure to perform may make me seem too much like I am here to keep his penis happy - an idea my Dominant side cringes at. Yet the lover side of me knows that if his desires grow differently than mine and he becomes unhappy we will both suffer. In being domineering or cotrolling I find I sometimes have to make sure I don’t allow myself to become childish in the process.

The flip side to the above paragraph is that Richard feels the same pressure to meet my needs. This is in a way a good sign that we feel equal pressure.

This post has been a hodgepodge of words, trying to capture the more difficult thoughts I’ve been having recently, in somewhat trying times. I may have made thinkos, mistakes, glaringly obvious unfair comments, and I welcome further input from anyone.