Sensual Sadist

Sexual and artistic notions aside, I am not a group leader type person, a man hater/breaker, a streetwise hard-girl, or even outwardly tough to any noticable degree (these are all ‘tough’ stereotypes I have encountered who might appear rightly or wrongly to make good Sexual Dominants). I cry at least once every three months and sometimes get tears in my eyes at silly movies.

I have recently been coming to terms with some of my scars from early life and how they can make me feel vulnerable at times. I have been in that situation where you are low and there’s nothing you can do and people keep coming up to kick you to make themselves feel better with an ‘easy kill’ (though we do not kill each other, the human jungle replaces goring each other with symbolic threats to survival). Thankfully it hasn’t happened in years, but when I was younger I must surely have projected some major vulnerability at times for this to have happened.

Outward toughness and real strength are not the same thing. For example: I am stronger than bullies because I’ve had to deal with shit and I haven’t resorted to taking my feelings out on other people, something I see time and time again all over the place. I will never stoop to their level and become a reptile.

I’m also just starting to learn that I try too hard to be nice much of the time, I felt like it was an important and strong thing to do, but I’m really getting less enthusiastic about that one. Mostly it’s either just wasted on people or it goes wrong. The world just isn’t as perfect as I thought/hoped and therefore it’s pointless trying to force it to be or pretend it is. In many ways I am still growing up, and I hope I continue to do so indefinitely.

So I have my vulnerabilities as well as my strengths. I like men who have it pretty much together and can be a rock from which I can root myself and grow. The love and encouragement of a good man are something I almost need.

So in our spiritual/mental relationship I am not dominant, but neutral. I sometimes feel Richard is ‘better’ at life than me, and I have no allusions of being the Alpha. Mildly arrogant at times, strong in my convictions, I know what I want, I like getting my own way (but I know that it’s not always good for you), and of course my sadistic streak goes a long way. But tough Alpha Bitch? No…

Especially given that I am a musician, I value my ability to feel and to at times get that unbridled passion shooting through me. In trying to be commanding with art (or eroticism) there is certainly surrender involved. Imagine the sacrifice a great musician makes (practice, practice, practice) to appear as a giant and achieve immortality.

These thoughts have mostly been triggered by the stereotypes of Dommes as hard, almost mean people who feel it is important to make sure everybody knows they are #1 (doesn’t that sound like a huge gaping insecurity to you?). Or, the notions that if they are not hard people then they are weak people who use a Dominant role to consolidate themselves. These are both extreme views and absolutes are rarely convincing to me anymore. From my experience, confidence (in the moment, not wall-to-wall lifelong assured confidence with a money-back guarantee), a love of D/s for it’s own sake, a reasonable degree of emotional intelligence, and some technical/practical skill are the main requirements for erotic domination.