Get In There! (Deathtrap Edition)
• Inner Growth
The other day, as you may have read in my slave’s weblog, I became fiercely dominant after we had agreed to try connecting his dangly bits to his collar. It started as an exercise, asin, let’s try this; but the sight of the collar made me want to bring the new protocol into effect. I changed my tone from “pet” to “slave!” as I lead him around the house by his neck and family jewels.
I was totally in top space, slapping him every time he broke the protocol, which of course he did because it will take time for him to be broken in properly. With every slap I threatened to lock him in the closet as per the rules - this is his probationary period.
He kissed my platform boots gently and as respectfully as he could, and settled into the footstool position. As I rested my large boots on his back I told him to meditate upon my beautiful legs and feet in their shiny boots, the way they make my calves look, my cute platforms resting on his back, how lucky he was to support such a beautiful sight. Whenever he slouched I kicked him - I wanted to meditate upon a perfect sight. I don’t think he really understands it.
He licked my boots, the soles of which had become dirty. He must have been at it for over 10 minutes I recon. His tongue was exhausted and he told me when he believed he had finished his job, as he was instructed to do. I could see that the tiny grooves would be almost impossible to clean, it would take 30 minutes or more for his saliva to start to dissolve the grime within them. I told him he had done a good job but next time we should have something like a toothpick so he can savour every last piece of the dirt I have walked in.
Finally, he had broken the language protocol too many times and I decided it was time to lock him up.
As we came to the closet and I opened it, richard used his safeword for the first time ever. We hadn’t decided on a safeword, not feeling we ever needed one, so he just said “Safeword”. I thought this was pretty amusing and I came down a bit. Obviously something was wrong for him. It turns out the closet was full of all sorts of things. I had commanded him to enter a small dark closet full of forgotten objects - coat-hangers, bits of piping, and worse of all, some pieces of wood complete with nails sticking out. Would you fucking believe it?! I hadn’t looked in there at all, to me a closet is a closet and they are never usually dangerous. But this house is different, it is messy from Richard’s former relationship which was somewhat destructive.
For the first time I felt failure as a dominant, almost like a fool. Everything should be planned and checked for safety. Though obviously he would never have crawled into the closet, knowing the state it was in, I felt bad for trying to send him there. In a moment of shame mixed with anger I accused him of being responsible for the state of the closet. We both disconnected completely. Awkward moments.
It was nobody’s fault really. Apparently these things happen. The guilt didn’t last long but it was a weird thing to feel. I’m sure some of you are doubting my ‘dominance’ because dommes don’t get guilty, they just get angry and punish, stomp, blame, scream, hurt, etc. But I am more than a Domme, and richard, small r for effect, is also my Lover, capital L.
It was weird that for once he was comforting me at the end of a scene, but that was no bad thing. I am a novice domme even though I rarely feel it. These things can only add to my experience and ultimately make me more powerful.
Richard’s report.
Comments
I love you.
Posted by: Richard | August 7, 2005 8:31 PM
Those people who feel that Dommes/Doms shouldn’t feel guilt or concern, in my opinion don’t get what its like I think. Guilt is a common thing amongst Doms, we are in this wholly top like space giving commands, being powerful and all knowing, and we say something like ‘Do that’ and expect it to be acceptable sometimes not knowing if it is or isn’t. We try and make sure we have everything thought out, and carefully considered… but we are human and we forget things, or don’t look because we have some expectations and more. When we find out we are wrong its a letdown, when our lovely bottoms safeword out because of something we forgot, or should have known about or something, we think… oh shit, they could have actually been really hurt, or worse… and we know that we weren’t in complete control and we think, how did I miss that? It plauges us… makes us doubt a little about our own Topness, and we try and reassert ourselves saying Ill be better next time… hopefully we are.. but guilt is there nonetheless.
It happens to all of us. Don’t worry about it. bronze too is my Lover capital L, first, and slave second.
Posted by: Miss Silver | August 7, 2005 9:17 PM
I have enjoyed reading Your richard’s site in the past, however upon reading Yours tonight I was moved to comment.
Anyone with half a brain, a functioning heart, and ANY skill in either role, has either been there (figuratively) or will have a moment in which they will question Their “delivery” or “reception” of a scene/assignment. Only the sane question Their sanity.
It sounds like You and your boy have a very good thing, and I thank you Both for sharing pieces with Us.
Posted by: WK | August 8, 2005 12:32 PM
I love you too, pet.
Thanks Miss Silver and MK for the words of reassurance. While this was a short lived disturbance it was rather unpleasant and also a little confusing in an emotional sense.
Posted by: Alexandra | August 9, 2005 8:08 AM