Recreational Femdom, Total Power Exchange, and The Great Inbetween
• Inner Growth
Doesn’t that sound like a book title?
Anyway… I was struck with some personal thoughts after reading one of Richard’s recent entries. I recollected the term Recreational Femdom when two thoughts flew in and perched on the tree of my mind like two black crows.
Firstly, I thought that some people would surely define us with this term. Rest assured, such people would probably be of a type, for sure. The second thought was that the word recreational conjures images of playing golf, tinkering with a train-set or what-have-you.
But then am I being harsh on the word recreational? Perhaps, if used in a way synonymous with rejeuvenation or taken literally as re-creation (of one’s inner resources, pools of inspiration, or suchlike).
The thing is, I was settled on this term to describe myself a year or so ago, but now it has a touristy quality about it that I don’t like. BDSM is for me personal growth, altered consciousness, a chance to be benevolent, and feel like a sorceress when things get really good. A good analogy is perhaps drugs. Some take them to get fucked up, others take them for inspiration and to get a different view of reality. My relationship is more like the latter.
BDSM is also too hard and intense to do properly to be considered a hobby. It is more like a highly rewarding job, in which one gets to work with one’s lover (and where you get to choose the hours!)
This is all of course verbal nit-picking and I could (not) care less if someone wants to slap a label on me from afar… but the distinction between ‘degrees of power play status’ brings me onto another point.
Could I, or someone like me, or anyone who wasn’t either extremely strong-willed or psychotic, totally dominate Richard.
This is of course a hypothetical question, and it is better to ask: could they simultaneously completely dominate him (as in total lifestyle TPE) and love him?
Given that he’s by far the most intellectually independant and analytical person I know I think it’s a rare breed indeed who could pull it off whilst still caring about him. I may be committing a logical fallacy here, but it feels true. All of this gives a genuine verification to my erotic power over him. At times in the past it did not feel quite real, I wondered if he was going along with it for the ride, to please me or himself, or some other silly reason. But over time it became evident that he’s incapable of patronizing me in any way, including but not limited to submission.
Further BDSM play and the course of time proved this even more. Richard is no actor or roleplayer, and his actions have convinced me that what we have is so much deeper than I originally anticipated that I almost feel foolish for my previous thoughts.
Does any of this sound like recreation to you?
After all of this it seemed to me that genuine 24/7 TPE couples are a rare sort. Most people need the absolute to be a fantasy - we need an unobtainable thing to drive us towards constant betterment. In music it is the hopeful discovery of the ‘lost chord’ (it doesn’t exist). In social engineering it is utopia (again it doesn’t exist)…
It is the engine and it makes me wonder what possible fantasies and drives somebody could feel (i.e, what is the engine?) if their life is already constantly in this state of D/s trance. Presumably their fantasies concentrate on yet more intense things - or possibly something else (do they go full circle and begin to eroticize conventional lovemaking and then wish they never signed that contract - therefore creating another unexpected layer of submission, surrender and servitude? That is quite a thought! :).
Ultimately, where does your journey end, or top out?
I am certainly not trying to discredit 24/7 lifestylers. I know some of them exist happily. Though I don’t envy them as such I do respect and in a way look up to the women and admire the men who can pull it off to a degree of consistency.
As usual this is all just my internal dialogue presented for your amusement and my own crystallization.
Comments
I agree; it’s much more than recreation even if it’s not TPE. You’re right, “recreation” does have a touristy feel which implies that it’s somehow “beneath” TPE. Most of the people I know in the scene are of the “in between” variety. As you said, TPE is rare….but many hold the fantasy even if it’s not for them in reality. Unfortunately, these people (who live it only in their heads) often push their idealistic beliefs (not practices) on the rest of us.
Posted by: roo-roo | October 27, 2006 4:41 PM
Recreational does sound like we went camping last weekend.
I don’t think “play” is a bad word. Naturally it depends on what you attach to the concept of play. To me it means the pursuit of happiness and pleasure. Not just the second rate passing time which is all most people get out of life.
But many times what you give me is much deeper than play. You’ve taken me into depths of experience I could never imagine until I experienced them.
And I’m thankful you know I’m not just faking. When I find myself lost in humble adoration or actually worshipping you then you have given me fulfillment as a man and a human being for which I will never be sufficiently grateful.
It is the same pure romantic love that I always have for you in my heart yet different, sort of like becoming a human poem or song.
I love you so much.
Posted by: Richard | October 27, 2006 8:12 PM
BDSM is also too hard and intense to do properly to be considered a hobby.
But like any hobby, nobody is forcing you to take it to the extreme edges of play into some other place… unless it’s you, yourself.
I think I’m having some problems with the word “properly”. ;-)
Posted by: Tom Allen | October 27, 2006 9:32 PM
I love you too putty-pie xxx
“Play” is a perfect word to describe the sort of ‘base line’ around D/s when we have no real goals. I think you know how important I think play is for development (or just indulgence).
Tom - That’s a good reply. I’ll try and come up with a good answer soon, right now I’m otherwise engaged but I think that will get me thinking a little. It has something to do with the fact that I feel /compelled/ to do my best during D/s, rather asif I were lovemaking, or perhaps even stronger.
Watch this space.
Posted by: Alexandra | October 27, 2006 10:19 PM
p.s. Another motivation for the word ‘proper’ is that you are playing potentially dangerous games, mentally and physically with your lover. But I really should come back to this later…
Posted by: Alexandra | October 27, 2006 10:30 PM
It has something to do with the fact that I feel /compelled/ to do my best during D/s,
I enjoy serious sex, but I also enjoy playful sex. Steak or pizza. Beer or wine.
You can choose to lighten up and be playful - the only one compelling you is you.
‘cos I’m pretty sure that Richard doesn’t mind being playful, either. ;-)
Posted by: Tom Allen | October 28, 2006 4:11 AM
I think feeling compelled to do your best is like making sure the steak or pizza tastes good.
Actually I learned about he lighter side from Alexandra whose usually term for it when we are together is “having fun.”
Posted by: Richard | October 28, 2006 11:26 AM
Tom, I just get the impression you’re being contrary and cryptic now, though Richard advises me that you wouldn’t be intentionally so.
With your first comment I thought you were warning me that I may be alienating people who identify with the “recreational” aspect, either via a semantic reason or something else - which of course wasn’t my intention and I was glad you pointed it out.
But now it seems like you have some insider knowledge about our relationship that I’m unaware of. Richard is very deep and meaningful about D/s and treats it with almost religious seriosness.
If anything I had to adapt to that at first and it was my effort which got him to be able to explore the middle ground.
Posted by: Alexandra | October 31, 2006 4:37 PM
But now it seems like you have some insider knowledge about our relationship that I’m unaware of. Richard is very deep and meaningful about D/s and treats it with almost religious seriosness.
No insider knowledge, just what I’ve read and interpreted.
I could easily see Richard being very serious - but I detect at times a bit of wry, almost impish humor in his writings. He has a playful side that may not be overt, but perhaps may need to be coaxed out of him.
Or maybe beaten out of him would be better…
Tom Allen The Edge of Vanilla
Posted by: Tom Allen | November 1, 2006 3:25 PM