The Immutable Wickedness
• Inner Growth
I wondered if female hormones would make me more submissive, yielding and gentle. WRONG, IDIOT! They are having the most delightful effect on my self-acceptance. I find the bickering in the T* world just sad. Some might argue I’m not a real woman because I need ‘assistance’ by science to make me feel whole. Others might argue you’re not real until you’ve been feminized, real life tested, clicked your heels together three times and beaten the shit out of the Wizard of Oz.
Me, I just say Know Thyself, and Do As Appropriate. Finally I am learning to love myself and lose the guilt, and to be perfectly honest it all started with my desire to be a better friend to my (few!) friends, and a better lover to my pet.
Though oddly my identity as a sexually dominant woman has been bolstered beyond my wildest dreams! I’m far from the meanest bitch in town. I actually don’t really like conflict. I don’t think of interactions in the real world as asserting my dominance or anything like that. There are plenty of mean-spirited people in the world pushing, shoving, belittling, domineering.
Me, I am discovering my innocence. The thing I lost at the onset of puberty, when gender made everything go WRONG. The sense of simplicity, creativity and self-control has been revived. For years and years I lived without it, and now, like a long lost friend, it is back.
The world needs more innocence. More cuteness. Everyone wants to be a juggernaut and I’m damned if I know how that’s sexy. My cruelty is something more refined and less showy. It’s more sexy. It slowly trickles through every step I take, every note I play on my keyboard, every move I make when I dance and even as I turn in my sleep. My cruelty, along with the other energies I radiate, doesn’t harm and stunt growth but instead inspires it and gives impetus. And of course it is bonding with my lover/pet/man.
Sometimes I think the best thing about being a girl is to be able to give this gift of impetus to the world in everything we do - even to ourselves. When you’re a sadist in a relationship that takes on a whole new hot and firey meaning. Pleasure and pain become the octaves of your own internal opera of self realization.
One of my favourite fantasies when relaxing in bed in the twilight is to imagine my pet underneath my matress, but with the ability to see me laying in comfort on top of him via video goggles or something. Knowing he can see me tossing and turning my way to the perfect daydream, the soft sheets and luxurious fabric of my clothes brushing against my skin and making my body smile broadly.
To think of this contrast between my pleasure and his discomfort is one of the sweetest things in the galaxy. It makes me feel whole and fulfilled again, and brings back all the wonder of existence that was wiped out by the grey adult world. In short, it feeds my inner child, who has been so hungry for all these years.
Comments
Here I was thinking it something of a blah day. Then I read
and my day perked up.
Posted by: Richard | January 21, 2007 5:32 PM
Me too ;)
Posted by: Alexandra | January 21, 2007 5:53 PM
That sentence (“To think of…”) really struck me as well. That’s a beautiful way of looking at it. I feel it’s especially sweet when the pleasure comes directly from the other’s discomfort or pain.
Sadly, the bickering you mentioned is also prevalent in the bdsm community as a whole, especially the “real” crap. The people who matter will be there regardless of whether or not we measure up to someone else’s standard of what “real” is.
Posted by: roo-roo | January 21, 2007 8:47 PM
I like the new look. The flowers give the site femininity. :)
Posted by: Coldfemale67 | February 6, 2007 1:03 PM
Thanks, Coldfemale! I tend to love or hate floral patterns because they can be a bit cliche but I liked those. Perhaps roses would be more appropriate though :)
Posted by: Alexandra | February 6, 2007 9:47 PM
I thoroughly enjoyed this post, and chuckled out loud at the first sentence. I’ve had female hormones my whole life, and I’m here to tell you, they just make me sadistic, bitchy, and all around fun.
Being a woman doesn’t have much to do with whether the hormones are natural or injected, it has more to do with your mindset, how you perceive yourself, and how your pet responds to those wicked things you do to him. You can be sweet, innocent, cruel, and tormenting in turns, and feed the desires for both of you.
Posted by: Myles | February 7, 2007 8:13 PM
Thanks, Myles! It’s always good to know someone enjoys what I write since I sometimes throw myself at it :)
I also wondered if I’d lose my creativity and even my figure by taking hormones (from things other people had said), but all that’s really happened so far is exactly what I was hoping for and expecting!
Posted by: Alexandra | February 7, 2007 9:40 PM
I really identify with the “…sweetest thing in the galaxy” statement too.
I don’t know that there is another couple out there that contributes so much to our community as you two.
Thank you- MWK
Posted by: MWK | February 20, 2007 5:27 PM
That’s kind of you to say so, MWK.
We are being ourselves and it’s something people need to try more in general instead of filling their lives with more TV, gossip and celebrity culture. :)
Posted by: Alexandra | February 20, 2007 9:17 PM