The Making of a Pervert
• Inner Growth
If you’re a lay person you’re probably wondering what drives a person to have kinky, irrational desires. For me I must say it mostly comes from scars and bad things that become ingrained into me. Some people are natural bullies and/or haters of the opposite sex, some are shy or downtrodden and want to be dominant to build confidence, while others are naturally dominant and choose to pursue this path. I would say I was a combination of the last two. Seems like a contradiction but it’s something I want to go into more detail with later.
My initial kinky thoughts began when I hit puberty and started suffering from gender dysphoria. I went from an outward-going and almost domineering (but usually polite) child to a withdrawn and painfully shy teenager. My friends began to dress in a way that expressed their gender, whereas I just wanted to hide. My self esteem dropped and I felt asexual. Occasionally I would do cruel or sadistic things, such as kicking my friend in the shin, or killing insects for no reason, and then I would feel guilty for it and begin to form masochistic thoughts. To compound the situation, I was regularly abused emotionally by the two dominant males of my close family.
The masochistic thoughts were exhilarating but left me feeling dirty and mind-raped. It was easy to imagine the girl that I wanted to be as my abuser and find it perculiarly arousing. The feelings involved in either side of the D/s equation are one of the closest things I have ever felt to infinity. The fact that I can appreciate masochism is one thing that gives me an edge as a dominant and a manipulator of submissives.
After high-school my confidence began to slowly build. Part of the cause of my low self-esteem was being constantly berated by the two dominant males of my household, whom I wanted to love but a tangled web of complicated power struggles (details of which would fill a large novel) made it painful.
I have since been over this aspect of my past and have realized that one of these men didn’t mean to be so mean. The other was just born to be mean and manipulate/abuse people (in the worst way possible) and I’ve accepted that the only way to progress is to cut him out of my life. Lots of self-realization and soul-searching finally provided a road to something approaching healing. I went to college and went out with a few girls, which is what helped me to realise that I felt cheated trying to play a male role. As I discovered my true self, a lot of confusion faded, and the sadomasochistic thoughts receded to a controllable level so that I could enjoy them without feeling crippled by them.
From then on my kinky thoughts became more and more dominant as I basically learned how to assert myself in the real world once more. About two years ago curiosity got the better of me and I began checking out D/s online, and learned about fetish communities and the joys of male submissives. I did a bit of online play, hung around a few haunts and eventually met my first slave on Alt.com.
So who or what do I attribute to my becoming kinky? The domineering males of my childhood? My gender dysphoria which started in my adolescence? I can honestly say that it is a response from me to the things the world has shown me. It’s one way I have of dealing with things, expressing myself through behavioral art, and also to some extent becoming reattuned to my more dominant self.
What a man who wants to be submissive can give to me is the chance to set right those things that were out of my control and in the hands of other people as a child.
Comments
That sounds much like my childhood… I was born intersexed, and was forced to live in a very stereotypical female role, including extreme codependency and low self confidence. When I found out the truth of my birth, then I slowly began to take on a more masculine role. It’s been difficult trying to overcome the codependency and low self confidence, but I seem to be doing just fine living as a male. I think one of the problems is because I haven’t been able to get on testosterone, but that will soon change.
About eight or so months ago, I had a girlfriend who was very insightful into the bdsm, and I found it very arousing, but not being used to the dom/sub expectations, when combined with my low self confidence and codependent “nature”, not to mention her confusion about wanting to commit or not, it’s needless to say the relationship didn’t work. But, because of what I learned about myself during the relationship, I feel like I need to become more attuned with my hidden dominant side in order to bring more balance to my life and any future relationships.
Posted by: Stef | July 30, 2006 2:22 PM