Thorn In My Side
• Inner Growth
Continuing some of the thoughts expressed in Mismatched Desires - From My Side…
A while ago it registered for the first time that I had a thorn in my side over our D/s relationship, that I simply had to express dissatisfaction on some level or let it escalate, something I’m not fond of.
Having to actually appear to criticize my pet wasn’t very pleasant. I know how much pride he takes and how much he believes in what he does, and how genuine it is. He also draws strength from it. The problem is that somewhere along the line, I got it into my head that there was some part of him rebelling occasionally. And once you have a doubt, even over a few things which could seem petty, it can interfere with how you feel about your Dominant role.
Paradoxically it was my care for Richard that caused it. He was clearly damaged after his prior relationship which was sexually torturous (and not in a BDSM way you freaks!), which naturally left me feeling responsible for his recovery. At times he was difficult to read and all I wanted to do was turn him on some way or another. This is a tricky position to do domination from.
The pressure came and went and much of the time things were fine in every aspect, but Richards moodiness on occasion meant that some of my actions are met with a small amount of acrimony. A half look or a challenging question when I could see no reason for him to not just go along with me and enjoy the ride.
In fact, since I’m used to living in a house with people who played mind games, I genuinely wondered if Richard suspected me of trying to control him in unwelcome ways. I could never believe the idea full-on, because it is unbelievable, so it remained as a small thorn, diminishing my enjoyment and probably Richard’s too, and on occasion it lead me to have doubts about things that I shouldn’t doubt. Not our love for eachother, but perhaps our sexual compatibility. They were shortlived and fleeting doubts.
The lesson here is that dissatisfaction should be talked abouot on either side without inhibition or accusation. “Who fucked up?” is not the issue, but when did we fuck up, by how much did we drift out of synch and what caused it?
Comments
You were in a tough position.
Coming from so far away. My ex-lover – who for reasons was beyond my power to control. My intense neediness.
No, I never felt you were trying to control me in a bad way. I know there were times when I blocked your dominance by being distracted. I think there were times you were asserting yourself and I was simply blind to it: didn’t know it.
My ex is out of our lives. And we’ve had some really wonderful exchanges. I think our understanding of each other continues to grow.
I think I’ll be better able to be your lover, pet, slave – as is appropriate to each given day.
Posted by: Richard | January 14, 2006 11:41 PM
I’m sure of it :)
Posted by: Alexandra | January 15, 2006 10:44 PM