Friends in Low Places
• My Life
After a lot of pondering I have began the search for local kinky friends, and made an effort to make more kinky friends online, both dominant and submissive. I’ve been pretty lucky. I value the new friendships and although I take the submissive gestures of strangers with a pinch of salt, some of the stuff they write makes me smile.
I even met a nice dom guy who I have a laugh with over emails. He hasn’t made the slightest effort to ‘convert’ me which is nice.
I don’t know where this is going. I know there’s a lot of bullshit out there but if I meet someone who takes my fancy, I feel like I have no choice but to investigate.
Richard has asked me to explain this nebulous feeling of worry about our relationship, because it’s worrying him in turn. It sort of feels like I’m out of my depth in our relationship. He’s in a completely different stage of life than me, and I’m just starting to learn who I am.
My fears are based around becoming the ‘baddie’, hurting or using Richard, or losing everything and having it all backfire on me. Fairly sane and realistic fears I think. Countering that I’m feeling the growing assertion that I should explore with other people. It’s like a force driving me.
If I don’t follow my heart, I will run the risk of feeling restricted and resentful - this will make it impossible for me to dominate him if I feel ‘restricted’ by him.
This is all really quite difficult to deal with and I’d appreciate it if anyone wants to lend an ear.
All this said, I do feel that I have given Richard a lot, put a lot of effort into our relationship, and helped him move on and begin to recover from a destructive relationship. I’m not beating myself up over this so much as just worrying about the outcome. I do care for and love Richard still, very much.
Comments
Thanks for clarifying, honey. From the email that prompted me to ask I had no idea what kind of feelings you were talking about.
Your point about different stages is a very good one. My primary “fear” about younger lovers is that the kind of person I’m most apt to be attracted to is likely to still be evolving, adapting: emerging as it were.
Even if we do wind up going our own separate ways we’re way past any silly ‘baddie’ business. As I’ve told you I’ve had a strong suspicion that you would choose experiences with other people. (Though I didn’t realize that you’d actually begun looking.)
People must be who they are, the only evil would be deception.
Posted by: Richard | September 10, 2007 7:36 PM
You didn’t seem surprised, I have to admit. Why were you not surprised? Because of my appetite?
I’ve only recently posted this because I only began looking properly (i.e. stipulating that I’m in a LTR but looking for ‘play’) very recently.
Obviously in doing so I felt it was time to make this post.
Lots of love pet xxx Alex
Posted by: Alexandra | September 10, 2007 7:48 PM
This is hard to read about. It sounds like you are handling everything ethically, but I worry for Richard. And for you. (I’m sorry - this comment is completely useless - but just wanted you to know I care.)
Posted by: devastatingyet | September 10, 2007 8:26 PM
Alexandra,
Pretty much. I could tell that you really want to do this.
Devastatingyet,
Thanks. But I’m reasonably tough. While I don’t deny that I might feel emotional turmoil should Alexandra and I decide to become ‘just’ pals I’ve been tempered by the molten heat of some genuinely rotten relationships and am not nearly as vulnerable as I once was.
Posted by: Richard | September 10, 2007 8:34 PM
I know that whatever the result, both of you will handle this with style and grace, and a deep abiding friendship at heart.
I am sorry that you are faced with this dilemma. It is a tough position to be in. I hope you know that both of you have a shoulder if/when you ever desire it.
Myles
Posted by: Myles | September 11, 2007 2:46 AM
Heya,
I have no particular words of wisdom to give here. It’s clear that you care about Richard very much, and that you’ve poured a lot of yourself into these decisions.
I’ve got a couple of ears I’ll lend you, should you ever want someone to bounce ideas off of, or just talk at, or to.
Posted by: Eileen | September 11, 2007 5:20 AM
Physical separation from loved ones is something I tend to loathe, and makes everything more difficult for me. That’s not an explanation, just an obersvation.
You would gladly have my ear, publicly or privately, should you ever want of it.
Posted by: maymay | September 11, 2007 5:29 AM
Thanks people. I will no doubt have plenty of questions as time goes on, so that’s good to know.
Posted by: Alexandra | September 11, 2007 12:39 PM