No, really. I'm fine.
• My Life
I don’t get it.
Is it because I’m younger?
Because I’m the domme? (we all know doms have no feelings.)
Because I put my practical needs before the ideal of love?
An online friend said I can expect to be ‘punished’ for making this choice. If that’s the case, I’m not sure I really want to go on writing this blog. I started it as a way to please Richard. I was reluctant at first but found it was a good way to connect with him in the face of 4000 miles apart. Before too long writing was it’s own reward, though I could never keep up with Richard and therefore would always be shadowed by him in the world of blogging.
But I don’t write this blog to please you and if you expect that of me, you are selfish! This is a look into the mind of an unusual dominant woman, a transsexual, and someone who is used to facing difficulty in life. I do it for Richard, and for the encouragement of other dominant women who are similar to me.
One person from this scene has given their time to the cause of my sanity, and without them I would probably still be a wreck. I’m very lucky to have made a friend of them at this time, and I’m hoping our friendship will deepen as time goes on. And Richard has been very level-headed and selfless in encouraging me - that’s helpful but was also a little unnerving in the beginning. I am glad we still seem to be close friends.
I’m glad you’re all there for Richard - honestly. But I’ll probably start blogging anew if this is going to be a shadow hanging over me.
Comments
Alexandra,
I’m a regular lurker of your blog, but I just had to say something here.
I’d ignore any poor comments you receive on this blog. Many people can’t keep in mind that a blog is an online diary and you are free to write whatever you’d like. Your thoughts and feelings should not be judged but so many out there expect blogs to entertain them when that just isn’t the case.
If you decide to move your blog elsewhere I would love to follow you.
Posted by: luna | October 3, 2007 5:26 PM
I haven’t had anything negative towards me, per se. In fact, I may be over-reacting but I’d rather do that than not say what I feel.
Part of me feels let down and no one person is responsible. Maybe I should have tried harder to get help?
It’s certainly difficult sorting out how I feel and that can make it hard.
Thanks for posting.
Posted by: Alexandra | October 3, 2007 6:41 PM
Dear Alexandra,
I am sad about the end of your relationship that has taken much effort in both time and feelings. It is always hard to give up someting that means a lot to you, even material things. When dealing with intellectual and emotional involvement, it can be devastating. You are young enough to form another bond with someone. I suggest that you focus your search on “vanilla” compatibility first, and then see wether your other yearnings can be satisfied also. If not, go on with your search. The bottom line is, if you find a friend who truly cares for you, and you maintain mutual respect and love, all else will be a bonus. Without this respect and love, a relationship is not deep enough to survive even minor hardships. Please keep writing, I am interested.
“S”
Posted by: "S" | October 4, 2007 11:58 AM
But you don’t sound fine. I am sorry. I also feel guilty as heck for even mentioning the word “punished” in my comment to “Whatever.” Certainly you don’t deserve to be punished. You deseve tea and sympathy.
Please do keep blogging. I don’t expect you to write it for anyone but yourself; but I do enjoy it.
Also we miss your posts at Fetishlore.
Posted by: Switch (Fetishlore) | October 5, 2007 6:16 AM
I’m not too bad now - emotions have levelled out a bit… And I’ve developed a network of good friends.
And Switch - you were only telling it like it is with your “punishment” comment. I didn’t take it as something personal from you per se. You helped me to realize what is going on, so thanks.
If you ever want to chat, just email me.
Posted by: Alexandra | October 5, 2007 2:38 PM
Alexandra, I am very sorry to read that you’ve been going through this difficult time and hope that you find a place of peace and happiness.
Posted by: Lady Julia | October 8, 2007 8:41 PM