Welcome to My World
• Our relationship
Recently I’ve been experiencing growing desire to have a polyamorous D/s life (I was going to say lifestyle but won’t go there). It’s been deeply troubling since I don’t want my appetite to come between me and Richard. After stewing for a couple of weeks and not having any luck finding someone to talk sensibly to about all this, I decided I’d better come out and tell him.
He didn’t seem shocked and if anything, he seems supportive. His concerns about what this could do to our relationship are real and unavoidable, should this actually happen. As to what to do, intellectually it is a complete double bind, so all I can do is feel my way forwards carefully.
Why do I think I want this? Well, something inside of me feels that I have so many diverse needs that I need more than one D/s relationship. Some part of me feels the need to experience as much as possible. I’m young and just finally getting the chance to be myself. If I ask myself what do I want to be, I see someone who has a lot of D/s and fetish friends, and one special relationship which is romantic.
What I’m after is not romance but experience and companionship, and I suppose some kind of lust although for me D/s and sadomasochism border on the artistic and spiritual. What you could call it is a hunger. I didn’t call myself a ‘fetish creature’ for no reason.
Some of the repercussions from this include what could happen to our own D/s relationship. Would it feel devalued? I really don’t want to get into the debate as to what constitutes ‘real’ D/s, a loving relationship or a casual one. Clearly in all cases care and attention is needed, which can be construed as love. I think really what it is is that I want to experiment with people.
I wish I could give pet a hug and show how much I love him, because this isn’t about love or lack of it at all. I feel pretty much hopeless, and I know it can be a nightmare out there finding submissive people that live up to their aspirations (what’s so submissive about being pushy and impatient, for example), so all of this could in practice completely backfire on me.
Maybe I’ll eventually be discouraged and go off the idea. Whatever happens I hope it’s for our mutual best. Richard wrote this to explain his side of it.
Despite his encouragement and support I still don’t quite know what the hell I’m doing…
Comments
We’ve talked about this in chat so the toughest part of posting a reply to this is a reluctance to sound like John Q. Saint.
We were friends long before we were lovers. And love means not much if it doesn’t include friendship. Naturally your friend wants nothing but the best for his friend. Whatever that may be.
There’s no escaping that a person who doesn’t fulfill her or his needs isn’t in the long run doing herself or her lover a favor. But that doesn’t mean the friend / lover always has the capacity to cope with all things.
And I know at least part of what you are struggling with. When I lived with Siobhan it wasn’t that I didn’t wish I could be with a guy. But at that point I’d had more experiences with more people than you have right now. That made it semi-hemi-easy for me to shrug off those desires. (And then get in the shower and wank about them.)
You know that whatever comes of this – and I’m agnostic as to the outcome – that I’d stop caring for you.
I wish you could hug me: I always miss that. But I no more doubt your love than you do mine.
Posted by: Richard | August 24, 2007 8:57 PM
You’ve been the best that you can be about it honey and that’s a huge relief to me. It’s just something of a quandry, no matter how much you support me.
Whatever happens you’ll always be special to me.
Posted by: Alexandra | August 26, 2007 12:50 AM
Polyamorous-ness always seems bound to many people’s idea of casualness. I think this is an unhelpful association, but not entirely unexpected. Loving relationships have never bothered me, however casual relationships have bothered me a great deal for a long time.
Posted by: maymay | August 29, 2007 10:00 PM
In discussing polyamory as part of a healthy BDSM relationship, it’s important to note that for most people within the lifestyle polyamory is usually conducted without any emotional baggage. Example: a Dominant might “enforce” a high degree of chastity upon Her sub/slave. (It might not really be forced - it could well be an agreed protocol.) She might also be sexually unfaithful, partaking of the cuckoldry enterprise as a tool to increase Her psychological dominance.
The danger is not in sexual fidelity if the partners are aware of their parameters, but rather the danger lies in emotional infdelity.
Posted by: tamehorse | September 3, 2007 5:58 AM
Thanks maymay and tamehorse.
Things still aren’t much clearer to me, though.
Posted by: Alexandra | September 10, 2007 6:38 PM