It's All About The *ME*
• Psychology Of Domination
I’ve been thinking a lot about myself recently. For a change, like…
Looking at my past and wondering what shaped me into the pervert I am today… I have some of the stereotypical dom traits from my childhood, but as I’ve discussed, I’ve also suffered at the hands of shyness, social anxiety, and low self-esteem. Thankfully, as I believe I have outlined fairly well, I’m pretty much back to my old self.
So anyway, stereotypical dom traits… As a child I was a tyrant. I was nice, but also quite the control freak. I wanted to orchestrate the games, the fantasies and adventures, and my playmates just accepted that I was like this and went along with it. When I started showing sadistic tendencies and getting into mild bullying (as I approached teen years) I began to lose friends. By high school I was the one bullied for being ‘weird’ so I guess it is true that what goes around comes around.
How about self-importance? I think one of the most characteristic things about myself and where I fall on the dominant spectrum is that I’ve always thought I was pretty neat. I don’t mean that I think I am profound, intelligent, or more worthy than most people. But I have this sense, complete with counter-balancing emotional mechanisms to stop me turning into a lunatic, that I am somehow worth slaving over. That I should be adored and any man who wants to call himself my boyfriend - despite any other factors in the relationships, weakness or failings on my part, or whatever - should plain and simple adore the fuck out of me and show it - preferably in a big way which leaves little room for ambiguity.
When I was a kid I had this game with my four best friends. I’d create a sort of vertical graph with my friends’ names at the bottom, and squares going up from the names. I decorated it so it was interesting to look at and had lots of detail and hopefully looked really neat. Then, every time a friend did something that pleased me, I’d put an X in their column, starting at the bottom and working up. The first person to get to the top (I stuck several sheets of paper together, eheh) was to be my bestest and most esteemed friend.
Lucky them ~_o
I’m not particularly proud of this but I think it explains a little about my personality. I’m nothing special, but I’m ME, and I’m damned if I need to be special to be special! If anything this is a sort of weakness. I like people who like to please me. Maybe it’s some weird validation thing and I have some kind of complex? But who cares? I’ve turned it into something fun - a Goddess complex if you like.
As someone once said to me, I am smart enough to pull it off without being obnoxious or assuming. I know what works and what doesn’t. And I know that to feel like I do is something special that attracts the attention of special people. When you are for yourself others will (hopefully!) follow! : )
Comments
I think this is one reason I may be such an enigma for most tops; I am also self-important to the point of near-narcicism, yet I still take all of this and me it a part of my submissive tendencies. I’m not sure how that works, really, except insofar as being submissive to someone who isn’t as awesome as I am doesn’t work at all.
Posted by: maymay | July 23, 2007 10:17 PM
I don’t think Alexandra is unfamiliar with bottoms who feel that way.
Well, I can think of at least one …
Posted by: Richard | July 23, 2007 10:33 PM
I’d never thought about this kind of thing from a bottom perspective. Mmmm, bottom.
Posted by: Alexandra | July 26, 2007 4:00 PM