Sensual Sadist

I have to get this off my chest. It is regarding my views on the term ‘submissive’ or ‘submissive man’ or even ‘sub’.

As far as I feel, submissive is a sexual orientation. It’s like saying you’re gay or straight. Just as gay men aren’t fucking men the whole ti… Ok, poor example. Just as a straight man isn’t screwing women all the time (still a fairly weak example, but just cooperate with me, OK?), so a submissive isn’t required to be submissive the whole time. To me, if you call yourself ‘a submissive’ it means that, in the bedroom, you are or have the potential to be, submissive, and this is fairly important to you.

Which is fucking hot.

Perhaps this is a corruption of the true English meaning. But given the context it is usually used, on kinky sites devoted to erotic dominance and submission, I think it’s fair to call it a descriptor of a sexual preference or orientation. It doesn’t stipulate your behavior outside of sex, foreplay, in any explicit way, though perhaps implicit is the notion that there is a potential for some submissiveness outside of the bedroom - this is useful to set the mood, enforce roles and the like, though it is entirely up to the submissive in question and there is no obligation here, though it may be in his interest.

Similarly, for the dominant, nothing outside of sex roles is really implied about behavior, though it is extremely desirable that some dominant or confident streak exist outside of the proverbial bedroom (we hardly ever do it in the bedroom) so that some continuity of roles can exist. However this isn’t necessarily the case and the dominant (bedroom) role may be used by a meek person wishing to gain confidence as a confidence boost and a way to tap dormant confidence and dominance.

Again, this is just how I read the words. Merely saying “kinky” doesn’t cut it if you are capable of submission on bed. That could just mean you like a bit of pain and want a service top. It could mean you like animals (someone assumed that when I described myself as kinky in the past). Saying you are submissive is the thing that dominants look for. If they pursue you it is this that they will try to coax out of you. You don’t have to hand it on a platter before sex even begins.

I was thrown wide of the mark when I read early on in my D/s development that a dominant should express his or her dominance in public before D/s may begin - a sort of display of assertion. What would that entail? Being rude to a waiter? Embarrassing somebody for no reason? Being domineering? I’d hope not.

How about merely being confident? That’s better, but now we’re out of the realm of D/s altogether. Confidence is a desirable thing whether or not you consider yourself straight or kinky, dominant or submissive.

Maybe it’s just because I’m not a D/s purist. “As part of a healthy, balanced diet” and all that jazz.

Now for those of you that only understand all caps:

SUBMISSIVES DO NOT HAVE TO BE SUBMISSIVE ALL THE TIME! SCIENTISTS DON’T HAVE TO BE SCIENTISTS ALL THE TIME! BRAIN SURGEONS DON’T HAVE TO BE BRAIN SURGEONS ALL THE TIME! Jeez…