Sensual Sadist

I have a strange relationship with time, and generally I dislike it’s linear nature (hence why I like drugs which can distort time and free you from it’s linearity). Time is like a conveyor belt. We are strapped to the belt, blindfolded and ear-muffed (this is throwing a nice BDSM slant to my improvisation!), and the only thing we can be certain of is that somewhere along the conveyor belt there will be a circular saw of doom.

On that cheery note, it was my birthday yesterday! They always make me think, because a birthday is the prime and infamous measure of the passing of time from a personal point of view. Yesterday was the most enjoyable birthday I have ever had, due to the simplest of reasons.

This got me thinking about how fragile I really am in many ways, and how that ties in with my kink life. I am still a little bamboozled by Domina stereotypes, since it seems a lot of them still ‘live for dominance’.

I would say I live for knee high boots, for letting my guy fondle them while he sits beside me on the floor, for getting my own way, for the single-tail whip… and for causing pain. But how much actual dominance is there in the relationship?

And while we’re at it, what exactly is dominance?

For example: A dancer appears as a Goddess, moving in perfect time to the music and causing men and women in the room to watch in awe. From the dancer’s point of view, she is a slave to the music. She has sacrificed her ego and is putting the music at the centre of her being. I know about this because that is what happens when you go into a trance through dancing. I get the most control and precision in dancing when I am not thinking about myself at all, but my whole essence is trained on the sound waves entering my ear and my memory of the music from previous listens. Thinking about what I look like or how well I’m doing (ego thoughts) can be disasterous.

Another example would be when I write music. On one hand I feel powerful and in control, since I am pushing the keys, buttons, clicking the mouse, and when everything is just right, I feel a million dollars. But writers all around the world know that when you muse you are more of a slave than anything else. You must first coax the shy ideas out of their wormholes, then you must tend to their every desire, hoping they won’t get fed up with you and simply abandon you (as so many ideas sadly do). Does this not sound like the work of a slave?

I am referred to as the dominant, because I am in control of what happens. Without a willing subject, I have no outlet for these desires, and with one, I am not the all-powerful Centre of Everything but instead part of an equation. I am the leader of sensual exploration in the relationship - Richard benefits from my artistic, sadistic and sensual streak, and my knack for erotic dominance, whilst I benefit from recieving trust and adoration - things which I need and enjoy for my own reasons.

If you’re wondering who has the upper hand in a relationship, be it D/s or not, you’re probably not enjoying yourself as much as you could be. That said, I do admire greatly those who manage to be fair with people in the outside world and yet let nobody mess with them! This is a different world entirely to shallow bullies and mouthy brats, who we all know are hiding their insecurities.

The world would be a better place with more dominant, goodwilled people.