Punishment
• Rules and Punishments
It’s not with entirely selfish motivation that my mind has turned to punishment. Not ‘torture’ which is usually good fun for both of us, but something that he wouldn’t enjoy used to shape and mould his behaviour while under my command.
When he has felt responsible for letting me down in the past, he told me after a while that he wished he could be punished. I missed my chance but I valued that sentiment more than I think he knows. He’s also said that if I’m angry with him, pain takes on a different meaning and is less pleasurable but also valuable.
Oh heck, you know how complicated this stuff is :)
Last night in my daydreams I imagined Richard in SAM (Smart Arsed Masochist) mode (not a common problem with him but it’s distinct when it appears). I began exploring possible responses, mental dress rehearsal if you will.
I thought of locking him in the closet for hours - but I’m not sure if he could handle that physically at the moment (we haven’t done much longterm bondage). Then I thought of trussing him up on the floor and amusing myself in the house with him left there, with adequate soft support for his body (we have a wooden floor).
Long periods in which he sees me only briefly and with expressions of contempt. Maybe corporal punishment, but bitty, without the buildup. On a summer’s day perhaps I could leave him outside? Would mingling in some boot worship (which I know he likes) with more scalding actions make it a more powerful experience for him, or would it be ‘spoiling’ him.
Richard has said he wants me to shut down his ego. I think it’s clear he wants something like this. For me to strike at the right time. But that will take a lot of exploration and probing which can only lead to greater intimacy.
Comments
This is a really interesting subject because I, too, feel that there is something desirable in the idea of punishment, but the reality of it does not often strike me as anything but a truly negative experience. I am a huge rebel in a lot of ways: tell me I can’t do something and I will prove you wrong. Yet, I also love to be controlled and it is often difficult to reconcile these things.
Furthermore, the thought of that fight—and of losing it—is arousing. But at what point do I stop the meta-analysis and just experience the sensation? Hard to say.
Posted by: maymay | March 14, 2007 5:51 PM
You seem very similar to Richard, maymay. He’s also fiercely independent and straight talking. Occasionally….. I want to throttle him. :)
But the plus side is that when he says things that make me happy, or make me feel like I am finding myself, I know he isn’t bullshitting me to be nice.
Plus of course his personality being like that makes the drops more dramatic and rewarding.
Posted by: Alexandra | March 14, 2007 5:59 PM