Sadist's Scruple
• Setbacks
My pet fell ill today, and while it doesn’t appear to be anything serious and there’s a good chance he’ll be mostly OK by tomorrow, it often has the effect of de-eroticising my entire sadistic streak. While last night there were times he seemed a mere plaything, now I feel the petty fetishes stripped back and only the basic, uncomplicated emotions remain.
To some extent I feel responsible, even though I know I’m not really. It’s just the effect of treating someone harshly (i.e. in the fetish scene) and then seeing them suffer afterwards in a way you weren’t anticipating. The human mind just loves patterns and will find them anywhere.
My own suffering can produce a similar effect. When I was in the throes of opiate withdrawal, with my stomach feeling like it was being twisted on a skewer, I wondered how I could ever hurt any living thing, consensual or otherwise. But the fact remains that I’m still a pervert, a behavioural artiste and a hedonistic thrill-seeker.
Hopefully tomorrow he will be feeling better.
Comments
I was just re-reading this and noticed the completely unintended double meaning of the word ‘petty’ in the first paragraph :)
In case anyone is wondering, Richard has recovered as of today, although we have other trauma to deal with right now.
Posted by: Alexandra | July 21, 2005 9:23 PM
I am sorry to hear about your loss. Best hopes and prayers to you and Richard right now. Thank goodness you have each other.
Posted by: jp | July 22, 2005 4:49 PM
Thankyou, Jp. I am glad that Richard did not have to go this alone, as well.
Posted by: Alexandra | July 24, 2005 7:52 PM
i loved the expression “hedonistic thrill-seeker”. can i borrow that?
Posted by: andreanoir | July 26, 2005 8:53 PM
Sure, go ahead :)
Do you write about D/s, or something else?
Posted by: Alexandra | July 27, 2005 10:43 PM